When I was pregnant and afterward, I stopped feeling a connection to Source...
You'd think it was the opposite? That in the midst of my body doing this completely miraculous thing of BRINGING NEW LIFE into the world, that I'd feel absolutely bonded to my sense of spirituality.
Nope. Not at all.
I was so ill during that time that I had to have an IV placed into my arm at some point, filled with anti-nausea medication, to simply give me a little bit of reprieve from the constant throwing up day and night — all 24 hours long.
After she was born, I still felt far from Source. I couldn't get connected. None of the tools that I had used thus far in my life, to create absolute MAGIC, worked...
Why hadn't any of my spiritual teachers told me this?
That along the way on my path, I might have to completely revamp everything I thought about myself, about life, about how I approached my practice of faith?
I was angry.
I was mad at the Universe.
I was furious at whatever my interpretation of the Divine was.
"WHERE HAVE YOU GONE?!" I pleaded inwardly and, sometimes, outwardly.
This morning, while my husband, daughter and I sat side-by-side to breakfast on the long bench that makes up our dining table, positioned in the ways we usually are (me on the left, her in the middle, my husband on the right), I realized...
"OH, THIS is Divinity."
I pulled her hair back from getting into the jam on her gluten-free toast, and in doing so, told her, "We never imagined we would have anyone as brilliant as you."
My husband tells her this often, that he had a feeling she'd be awesome, but he could never have imagined how incredibly she truly is — that she goes beyond anything we could have comprehended.
And that, right there, has been the Divine in front of my face all along.
The feeling of being separate, of being far, was actually the fact that my belief in BIG MAGIC had suddenly become so truly tangible, that I can hug her.
I can kiss her.
I can help soothe her when she's hurting.
And sometimes, she gently draws my hair back too, saying, "You can do, you can do it."
Whatever you imagine for your life, know that there are possibilities beyond what you can comprehend right now. There is a whole scope on the edge of what you know, what you can conceive, what you can see, that is beyond any grand notion you may ever have had.
I just realized in writing this, that I always sit on the left... which what I've learned in yoga, is the feminine.
My husband always sits on the right, which represents the masculine...
And our daughter?
She sits in between us. The perfect balance of it all.
A mix of light and serious, impulsive and patient, faithful and faith-filled... pure wonder.