Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
'She's right,' I thought over the Zoom chat.
The ever astute mindset expert, Heather Grey, had just called me out on why I feel stuck in catapulting my business that's on the precipice of monumental growth. What I thought was something misaligned about my intention or a hidden fear was actually rooted in the ever so simple truth:
It's about my mother. And, it's about control.
Surprise surprise... the whole reason I developed an eating disorder almost two decades ago returned.
"Have you given yourself permission to understand that your mother was wrong?" she asked.
"Well," I reflected, "I guess not. I guess I've never said it to myself in those words."
"It's time," she encouraged.
Being a 'good Chinese girl,' I knew that not honoring the elders in my life was complete blasphemy.
Yet, the old stories playing in my head about being selfish by putting my needs first or being disrespectful if I had a different opinion than the adults are now holding me back.
It has felt safer for me to control keeping myself small than breaking the chains to my past and truly grieving the thing I did not get:
The kind of unconditionally loving parent every person deserves.
Instead, grieving the wounds is how I will finally heal and find my own way, the way where I can bring that little girl within me, the one seeking approval and hungering for freedom and joy, into the present that I am creating.
It's time to rewrite the narrative about scarcity, about how I'm too big for my britches, away from this constant phrase my mother would say on refrain:
"Ni yi wei ni shi shei?" Who the hell do you think you are?
"At some point, you'll have to acknowledge that your mother was limited," Heather added.
"She would've given you the kind of love you needed if she could've, but she couldn't, so she didn't. You have to grieve that you never got the mother you wanted, but once you do that, the good news is that now, as an adult, you can go out and find the precise people in your life who can give you what you NEED... And, I say 'need,' because that's absolutely what it is — it isn't a choice or a luxury. That would be a WANT. Being loved? That's what you NEED. And, I bet there have been PLENTY of people in your life who would've been happy to play that role for you, but you couldn't see it at the time."
I thought I had already processed ALL of this for all the years I'd been in therapy.
I thought I had moved past all of this already and still, I hadn't.
It was then that I backed away from my desk and looked up at the wall calendar posted beside me. Down, in the bottom right corner in tiny 6 point font, I noticed for the first time these words: www.bluesky.com.
"Ohmigod," I said aloud to Heather.
"What?" she asked.
"You will not believe this, but as we're talking about my mother, I see on my wall calendar bluesky.com. I put this calendar up over ten months ago. I can't believe I've never noticed it before."
Heather waits, uncertain of how this all fits together...
"Blue Sky," I tell her, "That is my mother's name translated from Mandarin into English. Literally. Her name is Blue Sky."
Once again, the Universe is pointing me forward, showing me that I am precisely where I need to be to take that quantum leap forward.
Heather also called me out that I've been playing small...
I haven't been living up to the whole ethos of what my business is about.
I haven't truly let myself be WILD and FREE — the words I even have tattooed on my wrists!
She's challenged me to show up in a bigger way, because if I'm planning on leading a truly revolutionary movement for millennials to live more authentically and to not be afraid of ruffling any feathers, then I have to do the same.
There's a time to play nice and a time to STAND OUT.
To stand up.
To stop using "consciousness" as a reason to always forgive, because sometimes, in order for other people to grow, they need to be called out in all honesty.
So... I'm taking that stand.
And I'm here to challenge you, too.
I'm not doing my job as a coach or a leader if I let the people around me stay small. It's time for me to give you permission to grow, baby, grow...
To be more provocative with your beliefs and the ways in which you're showing up in your life.
I have been discounting my SELF and my services for too long — not acting fully empowered even if I put on a show of being BIG and BOLD.
There are quiet, itchy beliefs in my psyche that I haven't wanted to scratch, because that's not what a polite girl does in front of the world.
That. Stops. Now.
No more discounts on services.
No more playing nice.
Pushing back with healthier boundaries.
No more hiding behind the "sweetness" and instead, doing the harder thing, which is speaking up in ways that I've been too fearful to do, ways that'll likely garner raving fans, as much as potential haters.
That's why not everyone becomes an entrepreneur.
Why not everyone pursues their dreams.
Why so many of us know what makes us happy, yet when you ask what's keeping us so "busy" in the day-to-day, it's all this work on trying to figure out how to be happier, rather than moving away from the struggle and giving ourselves permission to be brave and courageous, because what that requires is real vulnerability.
The chance to be truly seen.
To be truly loved.
And to be truly hurt.
Will you join me in making your life and business more beautiful?
After all, who needs cajones when you've got #badass ovaries?
Have a gorgeous rest of your week,
P.S. There's one person in your life right now who you know needs to hear this message. Be a real friend. Share this post with that one person in your tribe.