The one thing I never thought I'd say.

Brenda Godinez Unsplash

I miss food.

That's truly one statement I never thought I'd say.

Having spent 15 years battling anorexia, bulimia, compulsive overeating, compulsive exercising, and body dysmorphia, to the point that I loathed living, because of the suffering I experienced while mired in this disease, I never thought I'd say that I miss food.

But, I do!

When I became pregnant, I was so entirely sick that I could not function. I literally could not form the words to tell my husband to slow down the car, so that I could roll down the window of our Jeep and throw up.

What would later be diagnosed by a therapist as medical trauma was actually this beautiful healing act the Universe provided to me, where I was able to get down on my knees (literally) and hug a toilet bowl and wonder why the hell I ever put myself through such torment in the first place.

When the option was taken away from me, and I was powerless to how sick I became, unable to keep down any food for the better part of six months, I realized how foolish I was.

Then, when my body went back to its pre-pregnancy state within a week of giving birth — without my having to do a damn thing about it! — I felt that it was my body's way of communicating with me... "See? We've been on the same side all along. If you would've just trusted me, we could've had such a good time together."

My body created life.

My body experienced a natural childbirth.

My body is amazing.

So, these days, given that my husband has severe food restrictions thanks to an auto-immune condition and I myself am experiencing the negative repercussions of gluten in my swollen joints, especially because my mother has severe rheumatoid arthritis, then I find myself missing food.

I had no idea how much sharing a meal with loved ones was so key to my happiness, but instead of eating out, my husband cooks for our family almost every night (and day) and we spend many times side-by-side with our daughter between us, having meals and reading books.

Life can change.

Substantially.

For the better.

In ways you never predicted.

What do you hope would shift in your own life?


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