Even though... I love you anyway.
Recently, I wrote to you and shared how my toddler daughter kept preferring to hang out with my husband over me...
Then, I read a parenting blog based on the RIE Method, where the principles are all about respecting your children as sovereign beings. One of the mothers shared how a similar situation was happening with her own daughter.
So, she would tell her toddler, "Even though you prefer Daddy, I love you anyway."
"Even though you're upset right now, I love you anyway."
"Even though you don't want me to put you down to bed, I love you anyway."
It transformed their relationship to the point that their daughter started using that same language with her...
"Even though you're stressed, I love you anyway."
I applied this practice to my own relationship with my daughter, and it remarkably and profoundly changed everything for the better in a very short amount of time.
One night while putting Wilder to bed, I said to her, "Even though you're frustrated right now, I love you anyway."
My husband, on the other side of her, said quickly, "Does that apply to me, too?"
Today, while watching him walk from the building where he and his students have lunch back to his school room, I did indeed apply it to him, too.
"Even though you hate me right now," I whispered from my balcony, "I love you anyway."
Because, truth be told, things have gotten a bit messy between us.
While I hoped for a beautiful modern family dynamic (and I still hold this vision in Light for the future), at the moment, my husband isn't on board with this idea.
In fact, he said to me yesterday, "I can't wait for the day when I have nothing to do with you."
Despite my best efforts, I can't seem to break through his story of me.
We went to a counselor to help mediate between us as we're figuring out next steps for our divorce and for Wilder.
There was a moment during the session when I was able to show him how his story of the ways I was showing up actually didn't match the experience of what genuinely transpired. Something I said earlier that afternoon had triggered him, and all he saw in me throughout the rest of that day was the ripple effect of the trigger.
During that moment with the counselor, he acknowledged his role, took responsibility, then a few minutes later, it was back to the story.
These stories make us feel safe.
Like our toddlers, we all want to feel safe.
I don't fault him for that.
In the end, it's ultimately up to ourselves to decide whether we want to rewrite or edit the stories we're telling, or hold onto them in the most tense of moments because that's what's familiar.
Each of us sees our own reality.
I am experiencing mounds of uncertainty and through it all, doing my best to stretch for growth:
What does this mean for our lives?
Where will we live?
How will we file for divorce?
What does custody look like?
I don't have all these answers, but I do have the ability to be present. To put one foot in front of the other. To write. To heal. To breathe.
I journal and acknowledge in gratitude the gifts that are unfolding:
Being able to love myself harder.
Seeing myself and others with compassion.
Rising up to support my daughter like never before.
Acknowledging my faults and working through them to avoid making the same costly mistakes, like being able to see things and want things from more perspectives than mine.
Deep and meaningful connection with the women I've met here and around the world.
While I honestly have no idea what's next, I keep allowing for the breakdown and intending for it to move into breakthrough by practicing more faith than I've ever called on before.
I'm purposefully writing a new reality, putting words onto the page of the highest way in which I envision everything unfolding – as though it's already happened – then doing my best not to attach to any outcomes or results.
Or, not to make it mean anything about ME.
This is how I'm making meaning out of the mess.
I keep envisioning that one day soon, I'll be able to look back and see that this was the best thing that could have happened FOR me or FOR my family.
That we are rising, even if in the thick of things, it can hurt and look anything but pretty. That our souls are safe, whole, healed, and protected. I can be deeply disappointed. And still, I can choose to be the person I want to be.
Even though life is not unfolding in the way I had hoped, I love it anyway.
I said to my husband during our counseling session last night that I still have deep love for him. And, for a flicker of an instant, I saw in his eyes that he still loves me, too. Even despite the wounding, the mistrust, the anger, the miscommunication, I have a profound love for him. And it is this energy I call forth to carry us through the next phase of our lives. It is this energy I choose to see in him forever more.
Life may not always be pretty, but it is indeed beautiful.
How can you make your life story beautiful?
Make meaning out of your mess.
Are you going through something like this, too?
Are you going through a break-up?
Are you going through doubt in your business?
Are you unsure of where your next client will come?
Are you realizing that you need major healing?
If you are, then email me back and let's band together and work through it. I'll share with you what I'm doing to show up with grace and compassion. The forgiveness work. The letting go and surrendering. The mantras, affirmations, and journaling prompts that are keeping me calm even amidst heartache. The losing it to find yourself again. All the resources from A Course in Miracles to Loving What Is and more.
Together, we'll rise above.
With Modern Mystic Storytelling.
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Simply email me if you'd like in. (And, up.)
Email me on my contact page if you'd like to dive into your healing together.