My greatest fears as a gift towards enlightenment.
I am eating a slice of humble pie.
Awhile back, I was listening to one of the U.K.'s top therapists, Marisa Peer, who shared that she's worked with so many celebrities who look as though they have everything they could ever want – including the massive love from fans – and it's still not enough.
Because, at the end of the day, the love that they're really searching for needs to come within.
No amount of striving or fame will fill that hole, until they fill it themselves.
I have wanted to be perfect.
I have wanted to live my fullest potential and make a substantial impact on the world.
I have wanted to know "God."
And so, I am being asked to face my greatest fears head on.
With open heart.
Do you know how many people tell me, "I don't know why you're not killing it in business"?
Given the ways I show up, my talent, my services, they say I should be famous. I should be making millions.
I know why...
I have asked for what I've wanted. I've started to achieve success. And, just when I'm on the precipice of having it all, I run.
Feeling good doesn't feel good if you weren't affirmed from a young age that your simple BEING-NESS is worthy of joy and love.
You will reject goodness because it doesn't feel correct.
So here I am, in a foreign country with things breaking down around me: marriage, finances, freedom.
There is no more running that will fix what is broken.
My humility starts by staying right here in the thick of it to heal this once and for all. And, I believe that WHEN that happens, suddenly, the portals of the Universe will open up and everything will be in that kind of flow that feels fantastic.
I trust, even now, I'm still in flow. It's simply not the kind that's pretty.
It's the kind that's beautiful.
I have always wanted to know the Divine on an intimate level. When I was younger, I even thought that perhaps, I could give up this material world to become an ascetic, a holy being on this plane...
Life has brought me to this moment now where I am only available from this point forward to be guided where "God" would have me go, because everything else I have tried, my limited consciousness ego-making ways, have only gotten me lost when all I have ever wanted was to be truly found.
My greatest fears have been that I will keep preaching Love and Light, only to be revealed a fraud with empty beliefs; that I am actually unworthy or bad to my core if you truly knew me; and ultimately, that I will be abandoned.
So, do you know how much the Universe loves me?
She loves me so much to say, "Here are all your greatest fears come true. Now, watch me love you anyway."
I honestly have no idea what's next.
As I surrender completely, moment by moment by moment, I feel such freedom in that.
I look forward to getting to know the woman I will become on the other side of all of this...
She and I will have a strong cup of coffee one day, so at peace and contented in one another's company the way that you are with your very best of friends who you can never get enough of.
Maybe we'll be naked under the moonlight swimming in warm tropical waters.
Maybe I'll be telling her of my daughter's wondrous open-hearted beauty and brilliance.
Maybe we'll be laughing because our hearts are free
And, oh my God, how I will love Her.
How I will love it all.