“The Heartbeat: Why Wanting Hurts”
A weekly email for women entrepreneurs of color filled with powerful mindset techniques to create a life + business you love.
There are two sides to wanting something.
It can either mean you desire something. Or, it can mean you lack something.
When I was in a marriage where we slept in different rooms, where I watched my husband treat my daughter with love in the mornings and purposefully not make me coffee to show me he was upset with me as I got ready for work, where I took my daughter to Whole Foods on my birthday only to have a stranger buy me a cake and show me more kindness than my husband did that day, wanting hurt.
It hurt a lot.
I wanted a partnership where I wasn’t crying outside my husband’s room, asking him to please talk to me, as he kept his door shut.
I wanted a life where I could feel that my outsides weren’t portraying a vision of happiness while my insides were crumbling apart.
I wanted to feel like I had someone earning money alongside me, replenishing rather than depleting our savings, building a future rather than being afraid of it.
Letting myself become aware of what it was that I desired, but did not presently have, meant staring at my reality straight in the eyes and refusing to kid myself. I had a burning desire to have a different reality, but burning is painful.
So, it started with being honest with myself about where I wanted to be and how far I was from getting there.
In my mind, I mapped a trajectory:
“Where I Am” to “Where I Could Be”
After years of aching, I finally decided to close that gap by making difficult choice by difficult choice.
I harnessed the force of that pain, I used that tension, and I let myself see that the size of my problem determined the size of who I could become.
A “problem” can be seen as an open space between point A and point B — it’s an open space you can bridge.
You can make this gap work for you rather than against you.
Because here’s the universal law of nature: that gap has to resolve. It will, one way or another. You can’t stop the resolution. What you can do is exercise your choice and influence how it resolves.
Your steps may be wobbly in the beginning.
You might feel like you’re making forward progress and then you get a text message that causes you to dwell or worry.
You may debate whether this is even worth it and wonder if you should just give up, quit dreaming that things can be better, and resign yourself to this life you already have.
You may be hearing unhelpful comments from the people closest to you because putting a voice and taking action in the direction of your dreams isn’t just uncomfortable for you… it makes everyone around you uncomfortable, too (and usually way more so!).
Showing them your want (desire) also makes them more acutely aware of their want (lack). Rather than focusing on the choices they could make bravely and boldly, it can seemingly take less effort for others to challenge you to stay small to keep their parameters safe and intact.
Just remember, the Universe is curved and everything is constantly changing. You have to go in one direction or another — you can’t stand still.
You have two possibilities:
Either you let go of where you are and get to where you could be, or
You hang onto where you are and give up where you could be
In every moment, you’re either leaning toward your dreams or letting them go.
It’s a choice between stretching for who you could be or settling for where you currently are. Even inaction is a choice.
I believe in you.
As a former yoga teacher, I also believe in stretching and flexibility and the capacity for change in a short amount of time.
One breath at a time.
Today, I have everything I desire in a relationship — and more! Honestly, I didn’t know it could be so good.
My current partner and I woke up this morning at 5:30 am. He brought me perfectly made coffee in bed. We laughed at the shadow puppet show we randomly made on the ceilings and the walls when I pointed out the way the light reflected on the comforter and blankets and projected sweet shapes all around us. Before he left in the morning, he told me “I love you” at least a dozen times. The genuine adoration in his tone and in his eyes has rebuilt parts of me I’m not even sure I knew were cracked.
Wanting hurt a lot in the beginning.
Now, having feels like the salve that made all that hard work worth it.
I believe in you.
I believe your wanting is a sign of all the greatness ahead.
Have faith. And, if you need help, please reach out to me.
Cheering your journey on, always.
Love,
Judy
P.S. If you want to figure out how to veer in a different direction in your life — and learn how to tap into your intuition with the best explanation I’ve heard from a guest to date — check out my latest podcast interview with Business & Transformation Coach, Ben Yeh!
Did this resonate with you?
If you’d like more support, let’s see if we’re a good fit to work together in a coaching dynamic.
